He Loved Me At My Darkest

It's been a very thoughtful month. I feel like this month has had so many turns, that it feels like a year full of events.

Today I had a beautiful day in the lovely Porvoo with  my beautiful friend. We were talking about a very girly subject, relationships. I told her that these last weeks I have been missing "him" more than in a while. But then while I was telling her this, i realized a great point why i still miss him.  

I miss him is , because I had stability in my life when I was his. My mind was very clear and I felt like after a long time I actually made sense. Through his eyes I saw that maybe I'm not a mess after all. 

I had no doubt what I wanted from my and our life. I knew I was enough and he was more than enough for me. There was this certain peace and deep understanding of ourselves and each other. 

After the breakup I've found my self having 'things' with guys I know they are no good for me or the other way around.  'Things' that in the end do not have a single thing that would make me happy. I have been breaking my self with hopes of having a relationship with the most impossible.

 I have fallen in love with the thought of being in love, I have fallen in love with loving. 

Few weeks ago I was in a wedding of a dear sweet friend of mine. This couple is so close to God, that by just their being they make me want to fall in love with God again. 

This made me consider, maybe, maybe after a long while I should give God a chance.

God loved me at my darkest. 

Cause by having a 'relationship' with Him I will have stability, clear mind, and to him I will make sense. With Him I will have no doubt what I want from life. And I will be enough for Him. Maybe we'll have that certain peace and deep understanding. 

I guess part of this is also learning to say 'NO' to the things that clearly will have no future. 

When did life become so full of decisions? 


-Fanni

Beauty in the Brokenness

It's been such an emotional roller coaster ride lately. 

Last month I've been having such a battle with the thoughts of not being enough - Not being enough for myself, my family, my work, my 'future spouse' etc. In general just the feeling of incompleteness. 

In my head I do know that I have everything and I am enough in every way. Being hurt so deeply, I realised that I have forgotten the fact that I actually am truly enough by just being me. 

How do you start building a stronger person? When you feel like all of you is scattered on the floor and you just won't let anyone touch those pieces, because you are afraid that even the small pieces that are left will break. But then what if? What if from those scattered pieces will build up to something even better than the one before. Something way more courageous.

Maybe that is the point. Maybe God wanted to break me in a way that He could rebuild me. I have not been near Him in a long time, and I guess maybe He got tired of me running away and trying to hide. 

During the worst part of the breakup there was something my mom said that was most comforting - First God sent Saul. He was everything that people wanted, handsome and kinglike. BUT, he was not enough for God. Saul failed his duty as a king. But then came David who first was nobody in the eyes of the people but God saw into his heart and saw that he had the heart of a king. In time he became the most powerful king of all and most loved by God. 

Now I realised, it basically symbolises also the 'future spouse’, but also me. The old me has been run down from the throne, so that the small child-like 'shepherd' can step to her own place and be the most courageous and most loved by Him. 

Throughout this rebuilding of my own character I've noticed how incredibly beautiful friends I've got around me. Even if there are worst days, there are friends who keep me pushing towards the light and making me believe in better days. 

Greater things have yet to come. Greater things have still to be done.

Love, Fanni

Judas To My Self

 Today I realized how much of an Judas I've been to myself after the break-up. 

I went to see the most incredible dance show, 'Rock The Ballet' with my fabulous friend. Half way through I was in complete tears. First of all there was a most talented couple dancing a story about a struggle in a relationship to the song 'With Or Without You' by U2. I could so deeply identify with the story, I could so feel the enormous pain and the struggle they had. In a strange way I felt like it was me on that stage dancing, except my love story unfortunately did not have as happy ending as theirs. 

And then it just hit me, I have been in too much pain to do the thing I love the most, DANCING. I have not danced basically at all after he left me. Something that has been a leading - and most powerful tool in my life suddenly got kissed on the cheek and betrayed. Something that is an USB-wire between my head and heart got cut. 

I have been lying to my self that, how dancing will not be something that heals, in a way it will also betray me and break me. Maybe the fact that someone that I have been trusting with all my heart and soul, is no longer trustworthy, has wounded the train of thought between me and dancing. Because dancing is something that I have had a similar 'relationship' with. It is something that I can always trust with my mind, body and soul. Also it is my way of connecting with The Almighty. 

It felt like a knife in the heart to realize the fact that my body and soul and dancing has been neglected by no other than myself in a way that is most harmful to me in every way possible. And from this day on, I PROMISE my self that I will not let these acid lies control the love for dancing that I have. 

It stops me to think, what other kind of sickening lies do we let in our lives? Do we let lies control the things we actually love doing? 

This week is good week to try and explore the truth. 

Have a good one,

-Fanni

I Need A Hero

Today I challenged myself and had a day just by myself. At some point I have to face the fear of being alone for a moment. Especially now that my mind is easily unsettled. And actually I think I did a good job, somehow at least. I did sleep until like midday, and it took me time and courage to get up from bed to a day without any plans. 

After I got up I ate and found myself watching The Oscars 2014. One thing that stood out, (not 'Let it go' this time) was one of the 'victory speeches'. The most handsome and talented Matthew McConaughey told that somebody once asked him who's his hero. He answered 'me in 10 years'. 

That thought just stopped me. I have always admired, looked up or envied at someone 'better' than me. But if I would start looking up at myself in 10 years, how would that be?  Every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero would be always ten years away. I would never ever be that hero. I will never be able to attain that goal and that’s just fine with me, because that will keep me with somebody to keep on chasing. And then I won't lose myself by trying to be someone i think is better. 

Well so the day continued with some pesto-pasta and nail art. In the evening I went to dance rehearsals. Dance for me is the best way to 'mop up' my mind from all the germs of the moment. 

And after getting my head sanitized I got home all refreshed and super proud of myself for living a day by myself with strength and dignity, and without insane emotional breakdowns. 

So it was a fabulously good day, and I think I found a new hero to look up to. 

Who is your hero? 

#slaavikyykky

Can you believe in love after love?

What are you suppose to feel when someone that you trust and love the most in this world suddenly abandons you. I guess, shattered in pieces might be the right way to put it. That is at least how I felt it. What to think when someone that you absolutely love more than this life, someone who helped you to come out from depression and eating disorder and made you feel worthy of living, leaves you? It makes you wonder if all of the things you learned through him are complete lie? 

What to do when everything reminds you of him? The views you see, the smells of perfumes, peoples way of walking and being, music that i hear, smiles and laughter people have on their faces, movies they show in the tv, even the way you have your mindset. There is no longer 'us'. How heartbreaking it is to re-think your future. How the future for a moment looks empty and meaningless.

I guess I have 2 directions to choose from. 

I can choose to be depressed and feel worthless again. I can choose to never be able to love again. I can choose to never look at another man without feeling hurt. I can choose never to let anyone to come close to me. I can choose to be broken and never let anyone come near and fix me. 

OR 

I can choose to become a stronger woman. I can choose to know my worth and hold my head up high. I can choose to be vulnerable, but let God build me up again. I can choose to open my heart to 'the one' The Almighty has one day planned for me. I choose to think that I deserve so much more. I can choose to feel true happiness once again. 

Anyhow, the question I ask myself and those who has lived through this kind of pain, Can you truly believe in love after love? (question inspired by Cher.) 

How long does it take to trust another person again as deeply as the one who you loved the most? 

Time to say goodbye

Mambo,

There is a saying in finnish; everything good ends in time. I hate that thought and hopefully I will never ever live by that thought. There is good everywhere, just the faces and life situations change.

 I have had the most beautiful life here. All the bigger and smaller adventures have been so teaching and full of life. The most amazing friends here have left a big mark in this little finnish girl. 

The last week has been so melancholic, but also full of most beautiful moments to cherish. Those moments when you are laying on top of a warm car with your fabulous friends, while looking at the stars sparkling in the huge Tanzanian sky, while listening 'Hall of Fame', with tears of joy rolling down your cheeks. That kind of moments you never ever ever forget. 

These friends that i've made here are the most amazing people i've met. So full of live and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. They are also most likely the strongest people in the world. Not everybody has had the easiest life, but even thought these people have downhills in their lives, they have the most strengthening smile and life positivity overflowing from them. It just makes me question, why are finnish people so depressed, we have EVERYTHING, and these people have basically nothing. But still they find life beautiful and worth living fully. Why do finnish people give up so easily? 

But in other news, I for a change got crazy with the hair. I am a braid head these days. And a friend found a place to get henna-paintings. So I am all fabulously Africanized now. 

And so the new adventure at home begins. I am heart torn apart to leave the beautiful Tanzania and my friends. But amongst that I am excited to go back home and share all the adventures and life lessons with my beloveds. 

Tanzania, in case I don't see you, Good afternoon, Good evening and Good night. Adventure of life to be continued…… 

Happy days.

Long time since the last blog post. Somehow the days go so so fast, but no day is similar! Every day is a different adventure. 

I've met some most amazing people during this epic time here. I'm so privileged to have such wonderful friends all over the world. It is not easy though, it's always so heartbreaking not knowing the next time you meet. But then when the day comes the reunion is thousand times sweeter. 

It has been so great to get to know some local friends, cause then you see the city and the country with different eyes. There are places where we have went where for sure not every muggle has been to. And also just to hang out with the local friends in a party in general.

For example we were invited to a birthday party of a sweet 15 year old. It was amazing to meet the whole beautiful family and friends. And see some fun b-day traditions that would have not come to my mind to do on birthdays. It was funny how while cutting the cake the poor birthday girl got a bucket of water on her head. Also it was sweet how she had to actually feed the cake to the guests. Such a fun experience. 

One amazing but also very stopping experience was to see a local hospital. We got a personal tour from our fabulous friend, Brittany. We got to see newborns getting vaccinations. But it was just so sad to see the poor circumstances and un hygienic surroundings. And there is basically no personal space or sensor in the wards. If only one person could make a difference, or maybe she could? 

And the babies of The Cradle just get more and more wonderful every week, every day and every hour. It is incredible how these little people can teach you so deep things in life. One of these wisdoms that I've learned is that how we are such unique creations from the very beginning. So amazing how these small new borns have so fabulous lovable different personalities. Why do 'grownups' have to act something else than what they are? Why the teenagers are dressing and acting the same when they have something as precious as their own personality? If we are born so fabulously different, why hide it? Why change it? 

I challenge you to be YOU for the rest of the week!